You left me behind

In seven days, it will be two years since Michael took his own life. He played a huge role in many people's lives: son, brother, friend, bandmate, soulmate, lover of animals, and the kindest heart. Eternally devastated is an understatement. 

Michael was more special than any human being I had ever encountered. I doubt I will ever come to know anyone like him again. I miss him on the hard days when I need his humor and love. I just miss him being here. Alive. 

Some days, I bleed it out in words, but most of the time, I can only sit with the sound of his voice. 

"Are you coming?" He messaged me. I was supposed to go see him play with his band, he was so anxious but ready to get back out there. "I'm nervous, this will be the first show I've played in a long time." Michael suffered from debilitating anxiety and would experience panic attacks due to it. He had not performed publicly in years. 

As he practiced, I listened.

"You're amazing, you're going to do well." 

"I promise."

I promised him that everything would be good, and I thought it would be. I didn't make it that night my insecurities were screaming at me and my own anxiety kept me home. 

"Are you coming?" "We go on at 9" 

"I don't feel good tonight. I'm sorry, I'll come to the next show."

"Aww, I hope you feel better." 

That was July and by October he was gone. 

No more time. No messages or video chats no more laughing and no more music. 

It was over, life was over. 

(originally published September 29, 2024)